Entries tagged with embarrassing

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scenesters OR: letter to a harsh critic

forgive the indulgent start, I need to start here or else I won't know where to go:

in 2022 during a part of my life where I thought about killing myself every day I corralled half a million angry thoughts about art into an LP, which was titled "BOYMODERS UNION," a title deliberately meaningless. the art was more deliberate, a cutesy sissy-porn furry positioned in front of ad copy for disposable sex slaves I wrote during a breakdown. I meant to parodize the cliche of (white) Trans Woman Music - loud, poorly mixed amalgams of colonized genres, self-referential and based around idiotic in-jokes (I was thinking of an artist I'd seen around called "DJ Submissive and Breedable") - juxtaposing it with themes of erotic horror and midwest emo. unfortunately I overestimated the amount of attention the average internet user would pay to an album cover or title. people took it as an example of that kind of Ada Rook worship instead of a raging expression of fear. TONY ZARET'D! POE'S LAW'D! whatever.

the value of that particular sentiment is debatable, especially considering how much i obscured this point. RYM user cahcd described it as "a petty and nonsensical thing to get mad at," not inaccurately. it was a manifestation less of specific critique and more a general fear of being left behind by my peers. like sixth grade math class. I ended up being embraced completely by those peers, except in a way that I was disgusted by, because it seemed as though my effort to make a point was being ignored. I was contributing to the thing I hated most. I tried to alienate people, putting deliberately offensive things in the bandcamp description, deleting the album repeatedly. this only made internet randos get even more parasocial about it. I had a (tiny) audience and I hated it. I repressed myself as hard as I could out of spite. I stopped publicly identifying as trans.

i dont think my feelings were unjustified though. just disorganized. after all, a lot of that extremely-online music was shallow and not really built to last. who even remembers giratinightcore: silver, an album barely two years old? shit, who the FUCK remembers boymoders union? (abby does. love you abby.) it is this idea that art is not individual expression but a rapid rush, a mad grab to be a part of something, to participate in something bigger than yourself. and this is the point that boymoders was trying and failing to articulate. cahcd called this "essentially just trying to satirize groups of people who are into certain genres at certain times." this statement was supposed to make the album's concept sound petty and absurd. but that is, accurately, what the record was trying to do! music exists to try to express complex emotions; that was the complex emotional state the album was trying to express.

basically i am deeply uncomfortable with the idea of an art scene. (see: "the republic" from 10 months ago.) I like the idea of hanging out with my friends and doing shit. I hate the idea of that completely performative bullshit of making dariacore or digicore or whatever. I dont think I was doing anything wrong by shit talking it. it's small independent groups of people recreating little microcapitalisms. what the fuck is their problem? my class is over. brb.

Current Music: yes - the yes album

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dreamwidth post icons

these feelings have been bubbling and stirring inside of me for a few days now. i need to get them OUT lest they devour me completely.

okay.

i really like that on dreamwidth you can vary your icons per-post. it adds a kind of interesting layer of complexity that i like a lot. i was thinking about that while making this post because there's a certain nuance to my emotions surrounding the actual subject of this post. im happy about something, like really happy, but in a way that basically has no chance of actually majorly making things better. how should i convey that in a 100x100 image? i really don't have to, but i kind of want to?... so i picked out an image from my little pony: friendship is magic of twilight kind of enveloped in genuine cartoonish glee. it was a hard choice. i feel emotions pretty strongly, but i kind of try to push aside a lot of the force of them so that i don't have to really deal with them. a voice nagged in my mind, like, "what if this is disrespectful or embarrassing or reflects poorly on you?" but those are feelings for public settings, not private-but-findable ones like this. part of my goal for this blog is not to follow that self-ignoring instinct, to be as big and obnoxious and openly feel as loudly on the inside as i do on the outside. so you know what? i am, genuinely, embarrassingly excited about this.

EDIT: i just reread this and realized that despite the icon and the deliberate statement of intent to write as gleeful as i felt i still ended up trying to sound reserved and thoughtful... oh well. i just think i need to have a section of this post where i can just go HOLY FUCK OH MY GOD WHAAAAAAAAAAT WHYYYYYYYYYY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT !??!?!?!??!?!?!?!?! okay done

what is it that actually happened, though? long version (no short version): around fall 2021 while i was in my first year of college i googled "catgirl goth rave" because I wanted to name my band that and I didn't know if it was taken. i found a DJ mix with miss kittin and the hacker on it. i found a dreamwidth blog by the same person. i read a little bit of it and it informed a lot of the stuff i wrote about and composed about at the time, lots of which ended up on the album super biddy fox. a few months later in the summer i kind of... explored this person's writing a little bit more. it was about stuff that i didn't know anyone else thought about, right? and i had kind of trapped myself into some shitty ways of thinking about other people, because i had thought that i was alone in thinking about a lot of stuff, and that because i seemed to be alone in those thoughts, that they were incorrect thoughts that should have been purged. it's hard to describe the way that just reading all of this stuff changed that? how suddenly it made a lot of stuff make perfect sense. and how it led directly to me making this blog.

because of personal principles, i've never interacted with them beyond following them on twitter. but a couple of days ago, on the second of september, this person purchased two of my albums.

one of them was super biddy fox.

the other was it's 2022 and you're still alone girl.

i have no idea how they found my art. i have no idea how they feel about it. they have very little online presence. i don't even know if they listened to those albums or if it even meant anything to them at all. it's just... nice, sometimes. that kind of synchronicity. i don't know this person, i don't think i will ever know this person because i'm an internet rando and it would be weird. it's just really weird as fuck to me that a person who made me want to be a better person by writing shit on the internet ten years ago knows i exist. i've been being influenced by decades-old obscure pieces of the internet for years. it was a world i knew somehow that i would never be able to interact with. instead, it interacted with me...? that's worth saying "holy shit, what the fuck, what the FUCK" out loud about, i guess.

i don't think you'll ever read this, person this post is about, but if you are, thanks...? im sorry if this is really creepy. i dont know if im just anxious or if this is actually really creepy. but no one reads this blog anyway. i designed it hoping that everybody who'd judge me about it would bounce off the huge walls of text and not read any of it.

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log of translation

i wanted to write on here but i forgot my password and had to change it and a certain fuzzy pinkness has been lost but i'm going to keep trying anyway ok?

thing i said to renns: "i just want to rant about like pinks and colors and powder and fluid and blood and softness and taste and Bmaj7/9#11"

pink: color that tastes sweet and reminds me of the time in my life that things kind of felt real and like they mattered. stupid nostalgia. stupid stupid stupid. i have always been a slave to this. it is a good color in its own right. its the color that girls are. you can talk about how dumb it is that genders are colored or whatever but like i dont know. its so much to get into. i was in new york city the other day and everything in the world is about ^100^100 bigger than we act like it is. the size of the whole world in our heads pales when compared to manhattan.
colors: i dont know if this is unusual but while i am otherwise fairly inattentive and often thoughtless i can notice extremely minor details in things. example: im very good at seeing minute differences in color. right now my head is awash with pink and gold and many minute but discrete differences between the two, all powders and fluids and pixels and pixels and pixels with dithering and its all pixels its all LCD, inmy head its all on a screen oh God
powder: powder is the dispersal of it. falling to pieces as inherent part of being. spreading yourself out while separating. body without organs. etc. I wish man could become powder. i wish
fluid: specifically the fluid of the body that splashes around, but also the sea, but also blood is just imitation saltwater, so when you think about it seawater is blood anyway, and its all LCL, so whatever. the fluid in my head is kind of an off white and slightly thicker than water, like low fat milk. thats a little gross. it sloshes around when my mind moves and its disgusting. ghis is also a reference to the terrible inefficient garbage bodily fluid we use as fuel, that i wish we didnt have to deal with. I wish my stomach and brain would stop hurting me
blood: more of the same, really that last entry could have accounted for both fluid and blood, but blood is literally more visceral, it gives me thoughts immediately, its another thing thats sooo much more of it than we think, like theres gallomd of that fucking soup in there, fuck that thought dude i hate that thought so bad. I wish sex didnt exist anymore
softness: the epitome ofmy existence is to be soft because i was made to be male and hardened. broad shoulders. jutting jaw. whatever. i have desired to be soft for as long as i saw myself as real, since i was 14 or so. the pink nostalgia is back. but whatever. pivot points exist even if nostalgia is stupid
taste: everything important has a taste to me. usually sweet or salty. people have tastes, usually like how they smell but sometimes otherwise. (name removed) tastes like milk. (name removed) tastes like sweet tea. you know, shit like that. music has a taste too... art... not really writing, writing is kind of tasteless in general, but vonnegut is nice because it tastes like very clear gentle water to wash down the taste of tears.
Bmaj7/9#11: beautiful Lydian chord. also several gorgeous wrongnesses. C major, all white keys, the key of godliness and purity. the most diabolic set of notes in that key is the sinister tritone, the B and the F... but if you shift keys up a tritone to F sharp major, you enter a position where you can use the B and the F to create a chord which is dissonant and yet its wide intervals make it beautiful and lush and amazing... it is, like,almost perverse... and it is so easy to play too, at least on keyboard, it is a B on the bass and an F somewhere up there in the voicing but the rest of it is all black keys... its also the start of steely dan's aja and the chord that they vamp on near the end during the greatest performance of all
time... steve gad and wayne shorter going for it, on their respective like second or third takes? a perfect storm of audio.. i think its stupid to act like god manifests in art or whatever because of my impossible to shake stubborn existentialism but thats close... the wonderful feeling that causes can only be because we as animals are doing what we were created for right?

i fucking love lists I love turning continuums of thought into discrete intervals i love paragraphs and sentences for those purposes too. i love being a creature who has to sort things into categories.

up on the hill people never stare, they just dont care

"biddy fox" is a persona, a compromise between male and female that ends up being mostly male just due to lack of active resistance towards some societally assumed inherent maleness that comes with being assigned male at birth. it is a brand created by a person who didnt need to have a brand but only needed to exist and didnt know how
from that came "bridgette" who was a much more genuine and closer to the soul construct, a personal one, a representative one, an honest one, a female one, someone without any set body or form, someone who embodied pinkness and Lydian modality and all the other things that make me feel happy without trying
it all started with Arlen though, a blank slate, animal behaviors smashing into each other, building the impetus of bridgette, getting lost along the way
and the compromise that makes no one happy, "Bid," a body with an identity, clunky, inefficient, but getting there, trying to reach bridgette, trying to do it, trying so hard, trying so hard

i cant remember much before 2020 and especially not much between the eclipse that happened 14 years (7*2) after the day of my birth (the 2^2nd month, the 3*7th day) and the creation ot my album "savannah georgia" but i do remember strongly that in 2018 i realized i might not necessarily be male as i had been assigned at birth (experimenting with the name "bridget" and they/them pronouns online) and it was in october after an incredible moment of utter patheticness that i finally (after havinf been wondering for more than a year already) that i made myself immediately more comfortable in my own skin if i thought of myself as female, whatever the fuck that is. i remember, among the general haze that mwde up my pre pandemic life, sitting and feeling miserable and then telling myself "youre a woman and your name is bridgette" and feeling a little more content...

i dont know if im a trans woman for real

i dont know what i am

i want to be a real person instead of a shell

Current Music: kid606 - the action packed mentallist brings you the fucking jams

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furry (dance, dance!)

screenshot of a tumblr post from user goosegoblin. it says %quot;genuinely don't get why some people hate furries so much. like ohhh nooo some people are wearing weird cat costumes on the internet. this is a category nine international incident. one of the coolest people i've ever met is a furry. sorry your escapism isn't interesting enough to involve dragon OCs%quot

its almost august, my birth month. summer is dwindling to an end. is it? i don't know. i remember plenty of gorgeously summery days in september. the change of seasons is always a little frustrating for me though because it's so nebulous. it's just suddenly fall at some point. i wish these things were more discrete. like most people i have a terrible mind for continuities.

since i started deliberately trying to understand myself, 2010/age seven has been the starting point. the developmental milestones of a seven-year-old are supposed to be reading and writing, right? i had been reading and typing for years. i guess this is when i started using the internet? this must be what it is. i don't really have the perspective or detachment to understand how other people would react to the idea of a seven-year-old getting on the internet. probably par for the course for a kid that age in 2022, but back then it was probably more unusual. i remember i got on the internet and i discovered newgrounds.com and i discovered deviantart.net and i started playing pokemon games on an emulator. i didn't know what it was yet but this was how i discovered furry content. is seven too young to become a furry? probably? i mean, they make warrior cats books for all ages, and those were the furry impetus for a lot of people now. plus, people online who are really into pokemon are either "basically furries" or about as far from a furry as somebody possibly can be. and you have to be kind of making a deliberate choice to be the latter. it should be noted also that after getting banned from a pokemon forum for being seven (lol) i also stopped trying to involve myself in internet communities, instead lurking and watching as an outsider. this was a habit i retain to this day, as much as i try to counter it. the main thing i end up doing is fall in love with all the complex interpersonal relationships and casual, socially-based works of art these communities make. whether little 2-frame "animations" of peoples fursonas lip-syncing to, like, third-wave emo, or german folk songs or whatever. or genuinely inspiring, high effort works of community art like eevee party. or like weird little skits of somebody and their friends interacting in a funny way. or a cute little comic about somebody and their friends interacting in a funny way. kind of a common theme there.

so the first thing i discover is online fandoms, and furries in particular. a few years later i also discover the my little pony fandom and briefly submerge myself in that as well. but of course in 2012 the zeitgeist is very cringe-focused. the few pieces of original work i made back then were often early attempts at deconstructing the things i found myself engaged in, so i was already kind of predisposed to trying to expose the Dark Side of whatever it was i was enjoying. with these sorts of beatdowns on perceived weakness, i could both easily Feel Like I Was Exposing Harsh Truths (the highest of highs,) and also feel like maybe it was a good thing that i was so lonely and isolated from these communities i so wanted to join. the artist petday wrote a very good explanation of this kind of phenomenon and why it would affect people so strongly on both sides of the interaction.

with the exception of a brief break around 2017-2018 (too much to go into here, maybe in another post) this philosophy of cringe has kind of stuck with me since then... i remember an instance only a year ago where i was so genuinely shaken by my enjoyment of my little pony: friendship is magic, "a kids show," that i had trouble sleeping at night. i'm only shaking that kind of thinking just lately. it's so deeply ingrained that i have trouble figuring out what i am without it, which is why i was scared to let go of it for so long in the first place. there's also a lot of truth to it... plenty of people online bury themselves in escapism, reject self-awareness entirely, i've met plenty of them. but it's not my business what they do with their lives, i guess. the big paradigm shift in thinking is just... not letting other people's lives affect mine in that way. rid myself of whatever savior complex that represents. my life is mine and theirs is theirs. still, there are some aspects of "furry" that make me hesitate to want to call myself one. lets have ourselves a drink and set ourselves up an unnumbered list, shall we?

THINGS THAT MAKE ME WANNA BE A FURRY

i think the fandom has a really open and cool approach to transhuman and posthuman concepts and also a really healthy relationship to cuteness that you don't really find a lot of other places. like things are allowed to be openly cute in furry without being for kids or emotionally shallow or whatever which feels pretty rare. this is probably a trait of a lot of other spaces but none im super particularly interested in I think

it seems like a really nice openly queer and accepting space. i have lots of friends in it and maybe fully accepting becoming part of it would help me a lot and help me feel more open and capable of exploring my sexuality and gender. why this would be is kind of hard to explain but a lot of my like repressed feelings about myself are connected towards Not Being Embarrassing or w/ever and being a furry would help detach from that. this is actually two reasons sorry.

i cant really pass really well as a normal boring person anyway so i should like stop trying as hard as i do to

nostalgia (worst reason)

THINGS THAT MAKE ME REALLY NOT WANNA BE A FURRY

theres like an extreme prominence of sex and sexual content and like lots of sexualized stuff im not super comfortable with being public. and theres like no self awareness about it either, people just kind of scrape at anything to justify it...? like furries love to use marxism to justify their own rampant horniness and problems with boundaries. and it's like no, people who are really excessively publically horny at cons, you're not being anti capitalist and people aren't being puritans, you just can't handle people saying no to you. there was a bit in the jenny nicholson brony doc about this but i am not mentally ready to go and search through an hour long video to find it.

basically no consequences for misconduct but that's an internet thing in general. like lots of really big name furries are like really prominent awful people in ways that are very easy to find but if enough folks like their art it does not matter

people assume that you're a furry by default if you meet certain criteria and nothing makes me want to do something than people telling me i can't. (second worst reason)

see, writing this, i was hoping i would be able to come to some conclusion about how associated i want to be with the furry fandom, but like, i still dont know. definitely progress has been made and i expect in the future ill be able to look at this and think "ok, i think i know what i want now," but its still tricky as of right now.

a 4chan thread from its cooking board. the first is a photo of a bag of cheetos puffs, captioned "the great debate, crunchy versus puffs." the first reply says "puffs all day every day." the second says "eating cheetos past age 6 is embarrassing." the third is in reply to the second, and says "Denying yourself life's pleasures in a vain attempt to protect your own fragile self image of what an adult should be is stupid as fuck. I can do whatever I want so long as it doesn't hurt anyone. Kiss my ass if you think otherwise, virgin."