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Sep. 5th, 2022 01:23 amthese feelings have been bubbling and stirring inside of me for a few days now. i need to get them OUT lest they devour me completely.
okay.
i really like that on dreamwidth you can vary your icons per-post. it adds a kind of interesting layer of complexity that i like a lot. i was thinking about that while making this post because there's a certain nuance to my emotions surrounding the actual subject of this post. im happy about something, like really happy, but in a way that basically has no chance of actually majorly making things better. how should i convey that in a 100x100 image? i really don't have to, but i kind of want to?... so i picked out an image from my little pony: friendship is magic of twilight kind of enveloped in genuine cartoonish glee. it was a hard choice. i feel emotions pretty strongly, but i kind of try to push aside a lot of the force of them so that i don't have to really deal with them. a voice nagged in my mind, like, "what if this is disrespectful or embarrassing or reflects poorly on you?" but those are feelings for public settings, not private-but-findable ones like this. part of my goal for this blog is not to follow that self-ignoring instinct, to be as big and obnoxious and openly feel as loudly on the inside as i do on the outside. so you know what? i am, genuinely, embarrassingly excited about this.
EDIT: i just reread this and realized that despite the icon and the deliberate statement of intent to write as gleeful as i felt i still ended up trying to sound reserved and thoughtful... oh well. i just think i need to have a section of this post where i can just go HOLY FUCK OH MY GOD WHAAAAAAAAAAT WHYYYYYYYYYY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT !??!?!?!??!?!?!?!?! okay done
what is it that actually happened, though? long version (no short version): around fall 2021 while i was in my first year of college i googled "catgirl goth rave" because I wanted to name my band that and I didn't know if it was taken. i found a DJ mix with miss kittin and the hacker on it. i found a dreamwidth blog by the same person. i read a little bit of it and it informed a lot of the stuff i wrote about and composed about at the time, lots of which ended up on the album super biddy fox. a few months later in the summer i kind of... explored this person's writing a little bit more. it was about stuff that i didn't know anyone else thought about, right? and i had kind of trapped myself into some shitty ways of thinking about other people, because i had thought that i was alone in thinking about a lot of stuff, and that because i seemed to be alone in those thoughts, that they were incorrect thoughts that should have been purged. it's hard to describe the way that just reading all of this stuff changed that? how suddenly it made a lot of stuff make perfect sense. and how it led directly to me making this blog.
because of personal principles, i've never interacted with them beyond following them on twitter. but a couple of days ago, on the second of september, this person purchased two of my albums.
one of them was super biddy fox.
the other was it's 2022 and you're still alone girl.
i have no idea how they found my art. i have no idea how they feel about it. they have very little online presence. i don't even know if they listened to those albums or if it even meant anything to them at all. it's just... nice, sometimes. that kind of synchronicity. i don't know this person, i don't think i will ever know this person because i'm an internet rando and it would be weird. it's just really weird as fuck to me that a person who made me want to be a better person by writing shit on the internet ten years ago knows i exist. i've been being influenced by decades-old obscure pieces of the internet for years. it was a world i knew somehow that i would never be able to interact with. instead, it interacted with me...? that's worth saying "holy shit, what the fuck, what the FUCK" out loud about, i guess.
i don't think you'll ever read this, person this post is about, but if you are, thanks...? im sorry if this is really creepy. i dont know if im just anxious or if this is actually really creepy. but no one reads this blog anyway. i designed it hoping that everybody who'd judge me about it would bounce off the huge walls of text and not read any of it.
okay.
i really like that on dreamwidth you can vary your icons per-post. it adds a kind of interesting layer of complexity that i like a lot. i was thinking about that while making this post because there's a certain nuance to my emotions surrounding the actual subject of this post. im happy about something, like really happy, but in a way that basically has no chance of actually majorly making things better. how should i convey that in a 100x100 image? i really don't have to, but i kind of want to?... so i picked out an image from my little pony: friendship is magic of twilight kind of enveloped in genuine cartoonish glee. it was a hard choice. i feel emotions pretty strongly, but i kind of try to push aside a lot of the force of them so that i don't have to really deal with them. a voice nagged in my mind, like, "what if this is disrespectful or embarrassing or reflects poorly on you?" but those are feelings for public settings, not private-but-findable ones like this. part of my goal for this blog is not to follow that self-ignoring instinct, to be as big and obnoxious and openly feel as loudly on the inside as i do on the outside. so you know what? i am, genuinely, embarrassingly excited about this.
EDIT: i just reread this and realized that despite the icon and the deliberate statement of intent to write as gleeful as i felt i still ended up trying to sound reserved and thoughtful... oh well. i just think i need to have a section of this post where i can just go HOLY FUCK OH MY GOD WHAAAAAAAAAAT WHYYYYYYYYYY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT !??!?!?!??!?!?!?!?! okay done
what is it that actually happened, though? long version (no short version): around fall 2021 while i was in my first year of college i googled "catgirl goth rave" because I wanted to name my band that and I didn't know if it was taken. i found a DJ mix with miss kittin and the hacker on it. i found a dreamwidth blog by the same person. i read a little bit of it and it informed a lot of the stuff i wrote about and composed about at the time, lots of which ended up on the album super biddy fox. a few months later in the summer i kind of... explored this person's writing a little bit more. it was about stuff that i didn't know anyone else thought about, right? and i had kind of trapped myself into some shitty ways of thinking about other people, because i had thought that i was alone in thinking about a lot of stuff, and that because i seemed to be alone in those thoughts, that they were incorrect thoughts that should have been purged. it's hard to describe the way that just reading all of this stuff changed that? how suddenly it made a lot of stuff make perfect sense. and how it led directly to me making this blog.
because of personal principles, i've never interacted with them beyond following them on twitter. but a couple of days ago, on the second of september, this person purchased two of my albums.
one of them was super biddy fox.
the other was it's 2022 and you're still alone girl.
i have no idea how they found my art. i have no idea how they feel about it. they have very little online presence. i don't even know if they listened to those albums or if it even meant anything to them at all. it's just... nice, sometimes. that kind of synchronicity. i don't know this person, i don't think i will ever know this person because i'm an internet rando and it would be weird. it's just really weird as fuck to me that a person who made me want to be a better person by writing shit on the internet ten years ago knows i exist. i've been being influenced by decades-old obscure pieces of the internet for years. it was a world i knew somehow that i would never be able to interact with. instead, it interacted with me...? that's worth saying "holy shit, what the fuck, what the FUCK" out loud about, i guess.
i don't think you'll ever read this, person this post is about, but if you are, thanks...? im sorry if this is really creepy. i dont know if im just anxious or if this is actually really creepy. but no one reads this blog anyway. i designed it hoping that everybody who'd judge me about it would bounce off the huge walls of text and not read any of it.
