log of translation
Aug. 11th, 2022 12:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
biddyfoxi wanted to write on here but i forgot my password and had to change it and a certain fuzzy pinkness has been lost but i'm going to keep trying anyway ok?
thing i said to renns: "i just want to rant about like pinks and colors and powder and fluid and blood and softness and taste and Bmaj7/9#11"
pink: color that tastes sweet and reminds me of the time in my life that things kind of felt real and like they mattered. stupid nostalgia. stupid stupid stupid. i have always been a slave to this. it is a good color in its own right. its the color that girls are. you can talk about how dumb it is that genders are colored or whatever but like i dont know. its so much to get into. i was in new york city the other day and everything in the world is about ^100^100 bigger than we act like it is. the size of the whole world in our heads pales when compared to manhattan.
colors: i dont know if this is unusual but while i am otherwise fairly inattentive and often thoughtless i can notice extremely minor details in things. example: im very good at seeing minute differences in color. right now my head is awash with pink and gold and many minute but discrete differences between the two, all powders and fluids and pixels and pixels and pixels with dithering and its all pixels its all LCD, inmy head its all on a screen oh God
powder: powder is the dispersal of it. falling to pieces as inherent part of being. spreading yourself out while separating. body without organs. etc. I wish man could become powder. i wish
fluid: specifically the fluid of the body that splashes around, but also the sea, but also blood is just imitation saltwater, so when you think about it seawater is blood anyway, and its all LCL, so whatever. the fluid in my head is kind of an off white and slightly thicker than water, like low fat milk. thats a little gross. it sloshes around when my mind moves and its disgusting. ghis is also a reference to the terrible inefficient garbage bodily fluid we use as fuel, that i wish we didnt have to deal with. I wish my stomach and brain would stop hurting me
blood: more of the same, really that last entry could have accounted for both fluid and blood, but blood is literally more visceral, it gives me thoughts immediately, its another thing thats sooo much more of it than we think, like theres gallomd of that fucking soup in there, fuck that thought dude i hate that thought so bad. I wish sex didnt exist anymore
softness: the epitome ofmy existence is to be soft because i was made to be male and hardened. broad shoulders. jutting jaw. whatever. i have desired to be soft for as long as i saw myself as real, since i was 14 or so. the pink nostalgia is back. but whatever. pivot points exist even if nostalgia is stupid
taste: everything important has a taste to me. usually sweet or salty. people have tastes, usually like how they smell but sometimes otherwise. (name removed) tastes like milk. (name removed) tastes like sweet tea. you know, shit like that. music has a taste too... art... not really writing, writing is kind of tasteless in general, but vonnegut is nice because it tastes like very clear gentle water to wash down the taste of tears.
Bmaj7/9#11: beautiful Lydian chord. also several gorgeous wrongnesses. C major, all white keys, the key of godliness and purity. the most diabolic set of notes in that key is the sinister tritone, the B and the F... but if you shift keys up a tritone to F sharp major, you enter a position where you can use the B and the F to create a chord which is dissonant and yet its wide intervals make it beautiful and lush and amazing... it is, like,almost perverse... and it is so easy to play too, at least on keyboard, it is a B on the bass and an F somewhere up there in the voicing but the rest of it is all black keys... its also the start of steely dan's aja and the chord that they vamp on near the end during the greatest performance of all
time... steve gad and wayne shorter going for it, on their respective like second or third takes? a perfect storm of audio.. i think its stupid to act like god manifests in art or whatever because of my impossible to shake stubborn existentialism but thats close... the wonderful feeling that causes can only be because we as animals are doing what we were created for right?
i fucking love lists I love turning continuums of thought into discrete intervals i love paragraphs and sentences for those purposes too. i love being a creature who has to sort things into categories.
up on the hill people never stare, they just dont care
"biddy fox" is a persona, a compromise between male and female that ends up being mostly male just due to lack of active resistance towards some societally assumed inherent maleness that comes with being assigned male at birth. it is a brand created by a person who didnt need to have a brand but only needed to exist and didnt know how
from that came "bridgette" who was a much more genuine and closer to the soul construct, a personal one, a representative one, an honest one, a female one, someone without any set body or form, someone who embodied pinkness and Lydian modality and all the other things that make me feel happy without trying
it all started with Arlen though, a blank slate, animal behaviors smashing into each other, building the impetus of bridgette, getting lost along the way
and the compromise that makes no one happy, "Bid," a body with an identity, clunky, inefficient, but getting there, trying to reach bridgette, trying to do it, trying so hard, trying so hard
i cant remember much before 2020 and especially not much between the eclipse that happened 14 years (7*2) after the day of my birth (the 2^2nd month, the 3*7th day) and the creation ot my album "savannah georgia" but i do remember strongly that in 2018 i realized i might not necessarily be male as i had been assigned at birth (experimenting with the name "bridget" and they/them pronouns online) and it was in october after an incredible moment of utter patheticness that i finally (after havinf been wondering for more than a year already) that i made myself immediately more comfortable in my own skin if i thought of myself as female, whatever the fuck that is. i remember, among the general haze that mwde up my pre pandemic life, sitting and feeling miserable and then telling myself "youre a woman and your name is bridgette" and feeling a little more content...
i dont know if im a trans woman for real
i dont know what i am
i want to be a real person instead of a shell
thing i said to renns: "i just want to rant about like pinks and colors and powder and fluid and blood and softness and taste and Bmaj7/9#11"
pink: color that tastes sweet and reminds me of the time in my life that things kind of felt real and like they mattered. stupid nostalgia. stupid stupid stupid. i have always been a slave to this. it is a good color in its own right. its the color that girls are. you can talk about how dumb it is that genders are colored or whatever but like i dont know. its so much to get into. i was in new york city the other day and everything in the world is about ^100^100 bigger than we act like it is. the size of the whole world in our heads pales when compared to manhattan.
colors: i dont know if this is unusual but while i am otherwise fairly inattentive and often thoughtless i can notice extremely minor details in things. example: im very good at seeing minute differences in color. right now my head is awash with pink and gold and many minute but discrete differences between the two, all powders and fluids and pixels and pixels and pixels with dithering and its all pixels its all LCD, inmy head its all on a screen oh God
powder: powder is the dispersal of it. falling to pieces as inherent part of being. spreading yourself out while separating. body without organs. etc. I wish man could become powder. i wish
fluid: specifically the fluid of the body that splashes around, but also the sea, but also blood is just imitation saltwater, so when you think about it seawater is blood anyway, and its all LCL, so whatever. the fluid in my head is kind of an off white and slightly thicker than water, like low fat milk. thats a little gross. it sloshes around when my mind moves and its disgusting. ghis is also a reference to the terrible inefficient garbage bodily fluid we use as fuel, that i wish we didnt have to deal with. I wish my stomach and brain would stop hurting me
blood: more of the same, really that last entry could have accounted for both fluid and blood, but blood is literally more visceral, it gives me thoughts immediately, its another thing thats sooo much more of it than we think, like theres gallomd of that fucking soup in there, fuck that thought dude i hate that thought so bad. I wish sex didnt exist anymore
softness: the epitome ofmy existence is to be soft because i was made to be male and hardened. broad shoulders. jutting jaw. whatever. i have desired to be soft for as long as i saw myself as real, since i was 14 or so. the pink nostalgia is back. but whatever. pivot points exist even if nostalgia is stupid
taste: everything important has a taste to me. usually sweet or salty. people have tastes, usually like how they smell but sometimes otherwise. (name removed) tastes like milk. (name removed) tastes like sweet tea. you know, shit like that. music has a taste too... art... not really writing, writing is kind of tasteless in general, but vonnegut is nice because it tastes like very clear gentle water to wash down the taste of tears.
Bmaj7/9#11: beautiful Lydian chord. also several gorgeous wrongnesses. C major, all white keys, the key of godliness and purity. the most diabolic set of notes in that key is the sinister tritone, the B and the F... but if you shift keys up a tritone to F sharp major, you enter a position where you can use the B and the F to create a chord which is dissonant and yet its wide intervals make it beautiful and lush and amazing... it is, like,almost perverse... and it is so easy to play too, at least on keyboard, it is a B on the bass and an F somewhere up there in the voicing but the rest of it is all black keys... its also the start of steely dan's aja and the chord that they vamp on near the end during the greatest performance of all
time... steve gad and wayne shorter going for it, on their respective like second or third takes? a perfect storm of audio.. i think its stupid to act like god manifests in art or whatever because of my impossible to shake stubborn existentialism but thats close... the wonderful feeling that causes can only be because we as animals are doing what we were created for right?
i fucking love lists I love turning continuums of thought into discrete intervals i love paragraphs and sentences for those purposes too. i love being a creature who has to sort things into categories.
up on the hill people never stare, they just dont care
"biddy fox" is a persona, a compromise between male and female that ends up being mostly male just due to lack of active resistance towards some societally assumed inherent maleness that comes with being assigned male at birth. it is a brand created by a person who didnt need to have a brand but only needed to exist and didnt know how
from that came "bridgette" who was a much more genuine and closer to the soul construct, a personal one, a representative one, an honest one, a female one, someone without any set body or form, someone who embodied pinkness and Lydian modality and all the other things that make me feel happy without trying
it all started with Arlen though, a blank slate, animal behaviors smashing into each other, building the impetus of bridgette, getting lost along the way
and the compromise that makes no one happy, "Bid," a body with an identity, clunky, inefficient, but getting there, trying to reach bridgette, trying to do it, trying so hard, trying so hard
i cant remember much before 2020 and especially not much between the eclipse that happened 14 years (7*2) after the day of my birth (the 2^2nd month, the 3*7th day) and the creation ot my album "savannah georgia" but i do remember strongly that in 2018 i realized i might not necessarily be male as i had been assigned at birth (experimenting with the name "bridget" and they/them pronouns online) and it was in october after an incredible moment of utter patheticness that i finally (after havinf been wondering for more than a year already) that i made myself immediately more comfortable in my own skin if i thought of myself as female, whatever the fuck that is. i remember, among the general haze that mwde up my pre pandemic life, sitting and feeling miserable and then telling myself "youre a woman and your name is bridgette" and feeling a little more content...
i dont know if im a trans woman for real
i dont know what i am
i want to be a real person instead of a shell
