city wants to scream

i think when people tell me im sweet or nice or whatever im going to stop saying to myself "if only you knew the depths of my soul," and instead im going to say to myself, "this is another victory in the war against the fury inside me that threatens to burn me dead." i would like to be sweet, i would like to be kind, i would like to be soft, i would like to be weak, and the hardness and jagged rebelliousness inside me only gets in the way because i feel like trying to avoid it is a futile attempt to battle something inherent to myself. it is as though my mind tells me, "do you really think somebody who lives in a mind like this could ever really be sweet? the people who love you dont really know you." and for some reason i just accept that, even though its completely classic anxiety shit. but my thoughts and my feelings dont define me, they just influence me. the me that exists is the one who acts.

here's the important part: reacting against the parts of the self that are terrible is not a lie. its not the same as pretending to be something youre not.

wait, but whats the difference? at its core, how is self improvement not just lying for a good cause?

because

i think the "true self" is the happiest possible self first, most honest possible self second. i think i should admit that to myself. i spent so much of my life trying to justify my irrational fury and hatred of other people but im realizing lately its not rational. its just psychosis or fucked up anxiety or something. and most importantly ITS OKAY TO HAVE THOSE FEELINGS. because i love people more than i could ever hate them. right? my love is endless but my hate has limits. i stop hating someone in the "insanity" way the moment we talk. i might still dislike them but i cant feel the burning rage towards them i could feel when they were objectified to me. is this what empathy is? yeah. im not very good at recognizing empathy cus i suck at it. but thats what it is, i think. i dont have to justify it by being, like, "this person is not living their life right, they could be so much happier," when really i dont know what would make them happier. i still think i could harness those feelings for a positive cause but i would need more empathy for it... i remember the thing cahcd said in their review of my album, "maybe being not fun at parties isn't all bad, if the desperate need to prove that oneself is somehow above the party results in them making it more fun for everyone else." maybe i just need to let myself be a positive force for others instead of myself... im too experienced now to lose myself completely like i used to be able to. i am just endurant. i can deal with any pain! i am happy merely to be alive.

is that true?

its a hypothesis. lets see if it is. are you ok with that?

stop pretending you're in that book you like.

okay.