no we're not ghosts
Jan. 18th, 2023 09:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
biddyfoxin july 2022 i downloaded a bunch of emo and post hardcore to listen to on an old version of winamp on my cheap ibm thinkpad. one of them was a split between a band called Deer Leap (an instantly appealing name) and a band called The World Is A Beautiful Place And I Am No Longer Afraid To Die. the deer leap stuff was alright, kind of melancholic emo post rock. but TWIABP had a song on it called I Will Be Ok Everything that basically got me into them on the spot, i was gorgeous and energetic and had memorably colorful lyrics and used synthesizers well. I downloaded the album Harmlessness because of it. That has a song on it called January 10th, 2014, which is a slow vaguely operatic track that crescendos into righteous Bernard Sumner dronepop ecstasy, embodies moving beyond fear and history into a world of light
I used to be really fucking angry all the time, it was a manifestation of something nameless, a ripple of history. I like to imagine i'm better now. I understand the anger and understand that it is really fear, and fear derived from love, so i may as well just love people with my whole heart like I always wanted to but felt I wasnt allowed to. But back when i was always angry a lot of it got directed towards one concentration of forces. This creature is one of the people closest to me in the world now, and was much closer than I was ever aware of, but still all my hate and all my hexes went herwards, in a stupid and cruel way. In a moment of pathetic weakness I lashed out and tried to cut away the organ
creatures like me are predisposed to think of themselves as beacons of negative energy, unable to love except in a warped ugly way, broken permanently. but the organ removed did not host anger or retaliation but continued to love my spirit despite my scorn from it. The same ripples that made me angry and afraid made me remember the history of the body which projects my mind. There was plenty of history of being manipulated, of being used as a tool by scoundrels. i could tell a dozen stories of self inflicted loneliness for safety but none of truth to myself, none of honesty, none where I had the chance to express even a fraction of my love for any but a small number of people
"make evil afraid of evil's shadow"
i had convinced myself fully that there was no goodness or kindness in the world, that I was alone and pitifully naive in my universal love for people,
but suddenly i was being treated with the most visceral and piercing and unconditional love I'd ever received and I couldn't lie to myself and say it didn't feel like
like
the best feeling in the world
"it's called love, and it's so uncool. it's called love, and somehow it's become unmentionable"
(a deep breath, in, out)
so i sat paralyzed by terror, by regret, listening to january 10th 2014 by twiabp, and she asked me if it was okay for her to still associate with me and be kind to me and I realized that i didn't want to lose her I guess, and I heard the words "we are brave and strong, but dont you quiver," and i rose up, stood straight, told her i was sorry, was forgiven. thats the fucking power of love
and so from now on I refuse to hold any love in, and by doing so become unrecognizable
I used to be really fucking angry all the time, it was a manifestation of something nameless, a ripple of history. I like to imagine i'm better now. I understand the anger and understand that it is really fear, and fear derived from love, so i may as well just love people with my whole heart like I always wanted to but felt I wasnt allowed to. But back when i was always angry a lot of it got directed towards one concentration of forces. This creature is one of the people closest to me in the world now, and was much closer than I was ever aware of, but still all my hate and all my hexes went herwards, in a stupid and cruel way. In a moment of pathetic weakness I lashed out and tried to cut away the organ
creatures like me are predisposed to think of themselves as beacons of negative energy, unable to love except in a warped ugly way, broken permanently. but the organ removed did not host anger or retaliation but continued to love my spirit despite my scorn from it. The same ripples that made me angry and afraid made me remember the history of the body which projects my mind. There was plenty of history of being manipulated, of being used as a tool by scoundrels. i could tell a dozen stories of self inflicted loneliness for safety but none of truth to myself, none of honesty, none where I had the chance to express even a fraction of my love for any but a small number of people
"make evil afraid of evil's shadow"
i had convinced myself fully that there was no goodness or kindness in the world, that I was alone and pitifully naive in my universal love for people,
but suddenly i was being treated with the most visceral and piercing and unconditional love I'd ever received and I couldn't lie to myself and say it didn't feel like
like
the best feeling in the world
"it's called love, and it's so uncool. it's called love, and somehow it's become unmentionable"
(a deep breath, in, out)
so i sat paralyzed by terror, by regret, listening to january 10th 2014 by twiabp, and she asked me if it was okay for her to still associate with me and be kind to me and I realized that i didn't want to lose her I guess, and I heard the words "we are brave and strong, but dont you quiver," and i rose up, stood straight, told her i was sorry, was forgiven. thats the fucking power of love
and so from now on I refuse to hold any love in, and by doing so become unrecognizable
