1:13 AM again
Jul. 8th, 2025 01:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
biddyfoxJust as I've been asleep all day even when I've been walking and talking and such I've been dreaming too. I find it difficult to stop dreaming when I'm alone, and by choice I am alone almost all the time. and right now I feel divorced like Ben & Jen on Nothing Better. not really like any of the real divorces i've encountered within the history of my family and my friends, which were mostly affairs of paperwork and clinical coldness. I've prepared a lecture on why I have to leave, I say, as Jen. I can't my darling I love you so oh oh, says Ben.
the angle that these thoughts take is necessarily interesting, to other people if not to myself. i feel compelled to write as if i am speaking to other people and not myself. and if you are a rare kind of person, people who are not that kind of person and people who are alike will find curiosity in your very existence. it calls for a lot of repetitive self-explanation. i hate doing it. i never asked to be like this. i never asked for all this extra work. call me tomorrow.
one aspect of not knowing you're aromantic for most of your life is you end up stacking up histories upon histories of breakups you have experienced that don't make you feel any particular sense of regret, or nostalgia or whatever. within or without the numbness of depression that's defined my life for the strings of time when i've been off my hormones, I look back upon these past selves without interest or pathos. It is not my place, anyway. I will simply get out of the way of my exes, allowing them to process the end of our relationship however they see fit. literally whatever. I'm not stupid enough to think i'm some big fucking deal. I just like putting stuff on my blog. I also like disco, fetish webcomics, and art made in Microsoft Paint. I don't have to justify the way I live my life.
I've had a few that break the rubric, though; particularly emotionally wrought ones.
I realized just now that none of them are actually different in any significant way from the ones that I don't care or think much about beyond having come at specific times in my life. On a large scale the gaps in my life I was trying to fill with romance were not gaps meant to be filled with romance. Sexual innuendo aside, I do not think I have any gaps that need filling by romance. I have room in my heart for a lot of people, not just one or a few who I structure my life around. I do not want to imagine a future where I do not spend most of my time alone.
But...
But...!
At other times I don't want to imagine a future without certain people. At times I find comfort in the fantasy of a future with certain people.
I assume those are the ones that, should our friendship fall through, I will spend the rest of my life dwelling upon...
the angle that these thoughts take is necessarily interesting, to other people if not to myself. i feel compelled to write as if i am speaking to other people and not myself. and if you are a rare kind of person, people who are not that kind of person and people who are alike will find curiosity in your very existence. it calls for a lot of repetitive self-explanation. i hate doing it. i never asked to be like this. i never asked for all this extra work. call me tomorrow.
one aspect of not knowing you're aromantic for most of your life is you end up stacking up histories upon histories of breakups you have experienced that don't make you feel any particular sense of regret, or nostalgia or whatever. within or without the numbness of depression that's defined my life for the strings of time when i've been off my hormones, I look back upon these past selves without interest or pathos. It is not my place, anyway. I will simply get out of the way of my exes, allowing them to process the end of our relationship however they see fit. literally whatever. I'm not stupid enough to think i'm some big fucking deal. I just like putting stuff on my blog. I also like disco, fetish webcomics, and art made in Microsoft Paint. I don't have to justify the way I live my life.
I've had a few that break the rubric, though; particularly emotionally wrought ones.
I realized just now that none of them are actually different in any significant way from the ones that I don't care or think much about beyond having come at specific times in my life. On a large scale the gaps in my life I was trying to fill with romance were not gaps meant to be filled with romance. Sexual innuendo aside, I do not think I have any gaps that need filling by romance. I have room in my heart for a lot of people, not just one or a few who I structure my life around. I do not want to imagine a future where I do not spend most of my time alone.
But...
But...!
At other times I don't want to imagine a future without certain people. At times I find comfort in the fantasy of a future with certain people.
I assume those are the ones that, should our friendship fall through, I will spend the rest of my life dwelling upon...
