posthuman? or subhuman?

[biddyfox]

 its sort of hard to accept oneself when every day they are made aware of the ways in which they fundamentally differ from the like norms and standards of the vast majority of people ... so i am reluctant to refer to myself as human.  i feel i am missing too many of the key attributes. i have always felt this way ... nothing about the way that I am is normal or acceptable, but what am I to do about it? I tried to force myself normal and it just made me stranger ... and almost, it feels as though there is no moral weight to hurting me, as if I am a mosquito, as if the sound of my wings alone activates subconscious self-defense responses ... to accept myself is to accept that the very act of being makes people squirm in their seats. people say it to my face... the funniest part is that this conversation is literally always exactly the same every time I open up about something like this it goes like this:

 

"i don't experience this thing most people consider 'normal'" 

Q: well here's what it is...

A: I know that already

 

Q: so you understand what it is!

A: I said I don't experience it not that I don't know what it is

 

Q: look, here's you experiencing it!

A: I am pretending so that people don't think i'm a fucking crazy person for not experiencing it

 

Q: why did you lie to me?

A: so that this conversation would not happen before you actually knew who i was, ensuring you would put me in an "inhuman" box where sympathy and empathy are not extended to me

... i just don't experience 'basic human things' like romance or humor ... I know you hear that and you think it's soooo sad but like that doesn't change the fact that I AM THIS and there isn't shit you or me can do about it ... so you might as well shut up and get over the fact that I am autistic in ways that aren't easy to turn into content, into a fashion statement, into a political tool, into a sexual object, into an aesthetic ... and every time i have this exact same conversation every time i feel less like a complete human being when previously before i had been perfectly content in myself and my life ... its just like a fun little reminder that OH YEAH I'VE GOT A FUCKED UP BRAIN OH GREAT...

i dont really get to get mad about this ... im always the unreasonable one ... and like its fair who am i to get mad when people dont understand that i lack basic human attributes ... but i still get mad anyway ... and i dont know what to do with it... BUT I NEVER ASKED TO BE BORN YOU MOTHERFUCKERS